What Are You Afraid Of?: Things That Go Bump In The Ocean

Charming, handsome, intelligent, and will stone cold murder you. These characteristics are incredibly representative of two distinct mammals: Ted Bundy and dolphins. That’s right, dolphins are the Ted Bundys of the sea.

I don’t know what it is about them that is so terrifying beyond the fact that they’re more intelligent than a large percent of the population (including supporters of NPR) and some scientists believe that they are actually smarter than all humans and just got the short end of the stick. I just can’t bring myself to be okay with any sea creature that may or may not be smarter than Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein, and Leonardo Di Vinci combined unless it’s Nessie. I would be one hundred percent okay with Nessie being that smart because Nessie doesn’t possess that smug dolphin face. I can’t trust that shiny wet mug. The gloss in those eyes seems to be made of sheer murder. You, too, would be pissed off if you were brilliant and had to live in oceans that those insipid little humans fouled up with their garbage and their oil spills and their vomiting over the railings of cruise ships after too many pina coladas.

Once while on vacation in Florida with my family, I went into this gift shop. While perusing the goods I bumped into something I thought was a person. I looked up to apologize and I saw that it was a man with a dolphin head wearing a wetsuit. I scream and immediately run out of the store thinking my worst dolphin nightmare had come true and that they were indeed trying to take over the land. Five minutes later my grandma and brother find me shaking and crying in the parking lot. Apparently, the nightmarish man-dolphins were mannequins with Plexiglas dolphin heads attached. I don’t know the identity of the sadistic bastard who thought that one up but I am almost positive I hate him/her.